Let Them Fail

Last week, I watched my kids participate in VBS, particularly the outdoor games.  My camera charger was in a different state at the time (imagine that!  at least i didn't forget my toothbrush.), so I couldn't take pictures, but I can still share what I saw with you.

Simple organized games - the best was "Defeating Goliath" where they used a giant water balloon launcher to fling water balloons at a huge face drawn on white tarp.  Riot of a game.  Loved it!

With help from an adult, each child was given several tries to bean the giant with a water balloon.  Some walloped it - bullseye!  Others shot too high or too low. 

The preschoolers were allowed to take handfuls of balloons right up to the face and lob them. 

The elementary-schoolers had to use strength and good aim to launch the balloons fast enough and hit the target.

Because my kids are homeschoolers, a lot of our activities include just our 3 kids.  We usually have many tries at whatever task we are doing because there's no waiting in line.

When my 6-year-old daughter, on the small size for her age, had her turn, she missed the target completely.  I think it only went 2 feet or so.  I thought she was going to make it to the end of the line to try again, but halfway there, she started crying.  She hates to fail.  Everyone else seemed to hit the target except her.  I comforted her, but didn't coddle.  I let her know she could try again and this time, she could do better.  After a few minutes and the tears had dried up, she hopped back in line and hesitantly tried again.  This time was a Success!!

  

(Here is what a water balloon launcher looks like.  Good fun!)

Lesson learned:  If I had hopped in, comforted her, and said, "Don't worry, honey.  You never have to try that again."  I would have robbed her of the chance to succeed that night.  Because I encouraged her to try again, she experienced triumph and satisfaction that she could do it!

This is such a small part of the big picture, but it is such a big part of life.  I think many parents, regardless of school choice, try to shelter their children from failure.  Focusing only on things they're good at, so they always experience success and high self-esteem.

As an adult, I had to experience some pretty hard circumstances to discover that I can't always do things on my own.  I had to ask for help from other people, and many times I had a "Come to Jesus" moment.  I realized that I needed God's help to overcome failures, relationship difficulties, and my own pride.  

If we shelter our children from failures, we are failing them.  

I was talking with one young mom whose beautiful 2-year-old girl had experienced bullying in the church nursery.  She instructed her to not hit back.  Always be the nice girl.  And that was probably the hardest thing she's ever done, because...who wants to see their child get hurt?

On more than one occasion, I've heard stories of homeschoolers who, when faced with the "real world," usually during a first job, crumble.  They either go off in left field and try all the things their parents tried to shelter them from, or they don't know how to deal with being picked on or made fun of for being a homeschooler. 

They have no coping mechanisms.

And so, as callous as it may seem, I'm going to the be the mom that says:

My children need to fail! 

They need to be picked on.  They need to be the odd man out sometimes.  They need to get hit in the head with a ball during gym class and learn to deal with it.  

This is how we learn to live in our world.

Homeshooling is, in part, a way to shelter our kids from being ridiculed on a daily basis, providing time and opportunity to heal and think through situations and reactions.  We all know "that kid" who was the butt of endless jokes and pestering in school.  I believe that constant negative experiences shape a person for life, most times in a damaging way. 

I also believe every child needs to experience some failures so they can learn to live on planet Earth.  

What if we cheered for every mediocre performance and sporting event from birth to age 18, awarding them trophies and ribbons for less-than-great skills?  

How will they deal with it...

When their first boss is tough to deal with? 

When their first college application is turned down? 

When their childhood sweetheart marries someone else?

They need to know how to fail, pick themselves up, and dust themselves off, and try again.

This is life. 

Failure is a crucial ingredient.  Let it be a part of your recipe for raising children.